Bad Dream

5 11 2006

Last night, I had enough sleep to actually make it to REM state.  I know this because I had a somewhat sobering and disturbing dream.  I don’t remember many details (I should try to work on that I guess), but the setup was simple: Eliana and I went somewhere in my car, and after a short drive, something happened and we crashed. From my fuzzy recollection of that it was someone else who hit me (funny how we blame other even in dreams).  Either way, the crash wasn’t too severe because I was able to walk away from it (or was that just because it was a dream). But when I checked on Eliana, she didn’t make it.

Unless you are able to tell yourself you’re in a dream, it’s tough to make the distinction. I immediately felt beyond sad, and grief far worse than anything I ever felt before. (It’s odd how the feeling of the dream is stronger than the images). I felt so sad that she hadn’t even turned 3, and yet didn’t have a full chance at life. I was devastated, and soon after that, my dream ended. Short, but to the point.

I awoke with that same feeling of grief, and then realized that it was, in fact a dream.  I was glad to see Eliana in the morning. Sometimes I get angry at her because she doesn’t do what she is told, or breaks something that makes more work for me or her mom.  But, I realize that her life is precious, and her impact on my life and soul is far beyond any bod I have ever felt before.

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